The Once And Future King Of Bandits

A/N: Sorry for the late update, but you guys should be used to it by now. I can't promise any specific times for update, on ANY of my stories though.

Most of you seem to love the story. Even more of you seem to like what I've done to Sasuke. Yea...kinda got tired of his goth boy persona that he's given in most fanfiction (for good reason mind you). So i decided that this persona is much more...well funny.

Someone asked about Naruto...if he's going to get action. Well if you didn't get the gist of this, the pairing is a Naruto-Kasume(OC), with a slight bit of Naruto-Harem. Though the latter is more for comedic purposes.

Anyway, i hope you enjoy this.

Fourth Shot: The Legendary Blade!

“Excuse me ladies…I don’t mean to get between you two…or do I? Eh, eh!”

SMACK

The boy sighed as he turned away from his partner and began walking away, going down the streets of the familiar city. He was never really fond of this city…unfortunately cutting through it was the quickest way to get to his destination, considering the area around the city was mountainous, and extremely hazardous. The village was plopped down, nestled between to large peaks and it was rather unfortunate that his accountant, was on the other side of those same mountains. It is actually rather strange that he didn’t like this city, when in reality this place was probably a thief’s paradise, or at the very least a pickpockets. The crowds here were about as thick as the mists of Mizu no Kuni...and about as tempting to try and cut his way through.

The blonde rubbed his hand through his hair, why wouldn’t it be this crowded, the place was one giant never-ending festival. Though not the kind of festival you would ever bring a child to, or at least Naruto believed no one would ever bring a child to this type of village. Gambling halls and other casinos littered the town, as well as Houses of Prostitution. He blinked for a moment, catching something in his peripheral vision. Looking to the side, he immediately scowled. He wasn’t completely sure the first ten or so times he got the same feeling, but he was positive the next forty or fifty times he’s visited this town. He was absolutely positive that he had seen that whitehaired man there before, in a casino with five prostitutes around him (and never less than four). He had begun to recognize the man by the ridiculous outfit that he always wore that looked like something a kabuki performer would wear.

Naruto sighed, the strange feeling of nostalgia suddenly hit him as he could almost remember meeting the man before…probably not important. He continued walking away, ignoring the obviously perverted man as he started laughing like some old toad.

It took Kasumi another few moments before she finally caught up to Naruto, growling as he resisted the urge to smirk, “Not one word”, was the first thing she said.

This time he did smirk, “Told you human females weren’t as easily wooed as you made them out to be.”

The fox female scoffed, “I just made a mistake, probably used the wrong pick up line.”

The boy gave her a skeptical look, “Really? So it has nothing to do with the fact that your still in your fox form and your voice is obviously that of a female?” The boy chuckled, “And at that, they rejected you based on your personality. Something amusing, not to mention horrifying, about that.”

Kasumi immediately stopped moving, stunned in her spot… “Oooo…maybe I should have tried wooing them whilst I was in my ningen form?” She then turned back to Naruto, who was still moving, “Hey wait Naru-kun! Let me try again!” she said as she took the shape of human, with a loud poof of smoke…interestingly enough, no one seemed to notice…or they were too drunk to care.

‘Someone could get raped, skinned alive, gutted, buried alive, dug back up again, burned, stabbed, beaten, raped again, and murdered and these damn people wouldn’t be the wiser’ he thought with a scowl. Another reason he disliked this town and preferred much smaller villagers in general. “Forget it. We’ve wasted enough time already!”

“You’re mean…” whined the fox-girl with fake tears steaming down her face.

“Why do you even care about trying to seduce some random girls anyway? Just last month you knocked out a woman who tried to hit on you”, stated the boy in a matter-of-fact type of voice.

“I’m trying to prove to you that ningen women are a complete waste of time for you.” She said as she jumped on the boys back, the boy in question easily supporting her weight. Once again she began nuzzling her cheek against his own, “Aren’t I pretty enough for you?” She immediately tightened her hold on his shoulders, digging her claws into them.

Naruto for his part, chuckled to himself, sensing that any answer he gave wouldn’t be good in the long run, he decided to comment on her first statement, “You make it sound like any human woman would suddenly be willing to open up their legs to some random stranger…”

There is a book in circulation around the Elemental Nations, named “The Strangest Events in the Land.” It documented strange events that occurred within the elemental Nations, events including: Demon attacks by the Bijuu to that time that Tsunade paid off all her gambling debts with a simple game of Rock-Paper-Scissors (which was coincidentally the day that the Kyuubi attacked Konohagakure). Either way it was at that very moment, when those words left Naruto’s lips that a new entry would be place into this book. It was at this time that a good three-quarters female population in Konohagakure no Sato suddenly sneezed, for no apparent reason whatsoever. Two specific twelve year old kunoichi, one with pink hair and the other a blonde, were having sneezing fits. It was at this point that Namikaze Minato, the current Hokage would scramble all his doctors, fearing an epidemic may befall the village. He was just grateful that his wife and daughter didn’t seem to be receiving this ‘disease’. Uchiha Sasuke was just grateful…he didn’t really understand why, it was just a feeling he was receiving. He was REALLY grateful that he lived within Konaha, as opposed to any other village that didn't experience a strange epidemic.

The boy sighed as they finally left the accursed village. He quickly, even whilst supporting his companion, checked his supplies to make sure he still had everything. Damn pickpockets were everywhere, you couldn’t be sure when those fucking bastards would strike and steal something from you, and possibly something precious.

After making sure he had everything, which he did, he then began counting how much money he had pick-pocketed…ummm…found…in the pockets of…people…

He scowled at the results…probably would have had more if he hadn’t snuck a large portion of the money in the pockets of a few street orphans that he saw back in town. Naruto scowled at that thought, ‘Damn conscious is beginning to become quite an inconvenience.’

He once again cursed his former mentor that placed the lesson of giving to the less fortunate, by confiding in him her own personal sad past. Otherwise he probably wouldn’t care so much about it. Then again without her, he probably wouldn’t be in his current profession or even alive…so let the charity commence!

Another feeling of nostalgia hit the boy. He began recalling a time when he too stole to survive…well actually his very first target was because he wanted to piss that stupid bastard off. He subconsciously grabbed his sword hilt. He had stolen this blade off of a man that was giving trouble to some very nice innkeepers. He and his companions had refused to pay their bill, opting to threaten the older couple and their five year-old granddaughter instead. That night, Naruto found it necessary to put all his honed skills to the test. He snuck into their room and easily stole a bag full of some items they possessed, and sprinted out of there as quickly as he could…though the fact that those three were shit-faced drunk probably contributed to his easy escape.

In the end, he threw the innkeepers a wallet of ryou and ran out of the hotel. He had heard later that they blamed the crime on some master thief and sent the three men in the OPPOSITE direction that he had gone to, failing to mention that they had been given a wallet stuffed with cash.

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!”

He was pulled out of his musings as three men jumped out of the trees and surrounded him and his companion. They were all holding large katanas and if the bandit-like mask around their heads were any indication…

“Nice and easy kid throw down your money and your valuables!” said one of the bandits.

Naruto immediately scowled, ‘Oh…of all the lazy…’ He really hated people like this. ‘I mean come on, any prick can hold someone up at sword-point.’

“…And your woman too!”

Kasumi scowled at that last comment, as she got off of Naruto’s back. She clenched her fist, and bared her fangs (another thing that proved that she wasn’t a normal girl) at the men, obviously ready to attack them.

The blonde just shrugged his shoulders, “Here, you can take her-Ummmph!” He stopped speaking to rub the slight bump on his forehead.

Kasumi then turned towards the man who was obviously in charge, “We’re not giving scum like you anything! You want it, try and take it!” She snapped her head in Naruto’s direction, “Right!” it wasn’t really as much as a question…but much more of a threat.

The blonde nodded, though mostly in fear, “Right…yea…sure…”

One of the bandits smirked before he charged Naruto, “To bad kid, you could have lived passed today.” He raised his sword, and quickly swung it downward, fully intent on cleaving the boy in half. Sadly, he never put much thought as to why two young kids would be traveling all alone, a fatal mistake in some cases. When the man got three steps away from swinging range…Naruto quickly looked up at the clouds, took a deep breath, looked at his watch (which he had just stolen thirty minutes ago), decided on what he wanted to eat for dinner, thought up three new ways to piss of Kasumi, and then in the blink of an eye Naruto quickly grabbed the sword hilt, pulled it out, activated the blade, and positioned it horizontally above his head, easily parrying the man’s blade. The man immediately flinched when a jolt of lightning danced into his katana and subsequently into his arm and body. He quickly fell to his knees…just as quickly he was immediately thrown backwards by seemingly another bolt of lightning.

The boy smirked at two remaining men, who both had horrified looks on their faces. This was the first form of the Raijin (The Legendary Sword of the Lightning Spirit). The blade was composed of a yellow flat beam of lightning chakra. The interesting thing was that the blade was the same shape of an actual sword. He continued smirking, he really loved this blade, it was his ultimate weapon and one of the only things he could truly rely on no matter what. Some would find using the blade to be taxing, consider that it required a constant supply of chakra to be active...however, he was far different than most people.

He heard a growl coming from his side and saw that another bandit was charging the two of them, though he looked somewhat wary. Before Naruto took the time to react, Kasumi immediately raised her hand towards the man. A red aura began gathering in her outstretched hand before forming a ruby orb. “Shinku Kaen (Crimson Flame)!” She screamed as the scarlet ball erupted from her hand and blasted the bandit straight in the chest, knocking him back several feet. He then began to frantically pat down on his chest in an attempt to put out the flames that were burning his shirt.

The last bandit immediately turned and began running the other direction, crying out in horror. The second bandit immediately followed, after he stopped the flame from consuming what was left of his shirt. The first bandit was still knocked out cold. The boy rolled his eyes as he deactivated his sword and pocketed the hilt once again.

After his first heist, he had received two treasures that were still in the bag, three if you count the wallet of money that he had given the old innkeepers. The first treasure had been a beautiful looking diamond, the second looked to be an ordinary looking hilt from a sword…until he found out the true secret behind the Raijin, that is.

“YAY WE GOT THEM!” Squealed the girl as she once again jumped on the boy’s back and began nuzzling their cheeks together.

Naruto sighed once more before continuing towards his destination…receiving the familiar feeling of wanting to kill Kakuzu.

It took them approximately half an hour to get to their desired destination and the blonde sighed as Kasumi finally decided to jump off of his back again. The two of them were in front of bounty station…though this one was a lot different than all the others that were around.

Bounty stations were basically the middlemen that people like him used to return treasures to and other people used to return dead bodies to.

For example; a man in Iwagakure no Sato puts out a bounty for a certain item of value that he desires to possess. A missing-nin of Iwa, decides to go grab the item for this client, but they can’t very well go to Iwa to return the item to the client, right? So that’s the purpose of the bounty stations. The nuke-nin would return the item of value to the bounty station, the station would give them 90 percent what the item was worth to the client, and the bounty station would return the item to the client and make 10 percent in the transaction.

So one may wonder why Naruto would come all the way here, when there were hundreds of Bounty stations all over the elemental nations. Well basically because this was the only man he could trust with his true identity and what not…let’s face it bounty stations weren’t in exactly the trustworthiest of businesses, and he was a wanted man...um boy. The man who owned this station was perhaps the most infamous for having dealings with all sorts of criminals and other shady individuals.

Naruto immediately stopped in his tracks when something caught his eyes…a figure right next to the door of the bounty station.

“Hmmmm, looks like Kakuzu did it again”, chimed in Kasumi.

The boy just nodded. Kakuzu, an acquaintance of his was part of some…cult… or something that worshipped dawn …or something, he really never paid attention to it really. Anyway, Kakuzu was always assigned a partner to work with and he had the nasty habit of killing off his partners, using the excuses like they were annoying him, or talking too much, or in one case because they were breathing too loudly. One of the many reasons that Naruto vowed never to work with Kakuzu…it was just better for his health in the long run.

Naruto immediately began analyzing the man as he got closer. He was large and looked really muscular. He had silver hair in a hairstyle that resembled a mullet and of course, the very thing that tipped him off that it was Kakuzu’s new partner, the black cloak with the red clouds adorning it, signifying his membership in Kakuzu’s secret cult. Naruto flinched at the man’s weapon, a large triple-bladed scythe. ‘Do those things really need more than one blade? I mean seriously!’

The blonde noticed that the man seemed very impatient, obviously not used to the fact that Kakuzu counted EVERY single bill that he recieved. The man just eyed Naruto and Kasumi as they got closer to him, obviously analyzing the two of them as well.

Naruto merely waved, hoping that this one wasn’t a psychotic bastard like all the others, “Yo! Name’s Naruto, you must be Kakuzu’s new partner?” It was more of a question than an actual statement…who knows, someone else in Kakuzu’s cult could have decided to use this same bounty station, though he somewhat doubted it.

“Fuck off you little shit-head I’m not in the mood to screw around with some little brat!”

A confirmation was reached, he’s a psychotic bastard. Naruto nodded as he went to go to the door, but immediately paused when Hidan, who was about two feet away, started pouring out a large portion of his killer intent. Naruto immediately paused and began chuckling nervously. He immediately began to back away, “I’ll just wait over here.” Best avoid combat whenever possible was a kind of motto for him, another was don’t piss off people unless you’re positive that you can beat them in a fight. Though this man looked slow, and he didn’t doubt that he could probably give a good fight…Kakuzu’s partners tended to be rather…unique. Like the last one, who thought he was a vampire and could control his own blood and the one before that who could let out a REALLY loud wail, which could knock an adult man back several yards. In short, he didn’t know what this wannabe cult member could do and he really didn’t care, Kakuzu would probably get tired of his attitude soon enough…no need for him to get involved.

“YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO NARU-KUN! HE’LL KICK YOU PANSY ASS FROM HERE ALL THE WAY TO HI NO KUNI!”

Naruto slapped his head as a river of tears began flowing down his face. Unfortunately Kasumi lacked a little thing called subtlety. She had the annoying habit of picking his battles for him…he guessed it was a Kitsune thing.

Hidan glared at the girl, “Oh? Is that a fact? Well then why doesn’t your little shit-head of a boy friend prove it you little bitch.”

Kasumi just nodded before she got behind Naruto, clearly pissed off about the little bitch crack, “Show him what you can do Naruto-kun”, she said before pushing him towards Hidan.

He refrained from glaring at the girl, whom always seemed to get him in trouble one way or another, and just sighed as he found himself less than three feet away from the man.

Hidan’s eye began twitching, clearly annoyed by the situation, as he quickly grabbed his scythe and swung it horizontally, fully intent on cleaving the boy in half. Naruto easily ducked under the attack and looked up in time to see Hidan launching a vertical slash at him. The blades connected with the ground and shot up a large pile of dirt and dust upon the area where Naruto was. When it cleared a few seconds later, it revealed that Naruto was standing on top of Hidan’s scythe.

For his part, Naruto blinked a few times, this man…was surprisingly slow. He had seen Jounins whom specialized in genjutsu move faster than that. Usually Kakuzu’s partners could at least match him in speed.

The man growled, as he was about to react, when a hand fell upon his shoulder. “No more of that Hidan, we have to go.” Naruto grinned at the newcomer before jumping off of the scythe

Hidan immediately glared at the man, it was Kakuzu. “I’m going to skin this little shit-head alive.”

Kakuzu shook his head, “We’ve got to go after the Oniwabon Clan and I’ll need you at your best.” He then began tapping his chin in a ‘thinking-like’ manner. “What was it that your religion stated, something about going after the bigger prize or what not?”

Hidan growled as he placed his scythe on his back and walked past Naruto, glaring at the boy along the way, “If the chance for more bloodshed presents itself, don’t waste time or energy on maggots, that is the fifth commandment.”

Kakuzu nodded.

Hidan immediately glared at Naruto though, “You probably think your hot stuff because you dodged my scythe a few times? I’ll get you next time…in the name of my lord Jashin.” At that point he began walking away muttering, “Jashin, please forgive me for not killing that boy.”

The blonde just sighed before turning to Kakuzu, “Another psycho…what happened to the last guy?”

Kakuzu just waved the question off, “He was chewing to loudly.” Seeing Naruto look at him with skepticism, he quickly replied, “Now’s not the time for questions.”

“More bounty hunting?” asked Kasumi. She actually didn’t really like Kakuzu too much, but felt it wiser, for once, to remain somewhat respectful. Frankly, this Kakuzu looked like the type of asshole who would cut out someone’s heart after he was done killing them. Kasumi’s eyes widened somewhat at that thought…that was silly. Kakuzu wouldn’t actually do that.

“Something like that. My organization-”

‘Cult’ Naruto thought to himself.

“-wants to find the location of nine people. People with demons, Biju, sealed inside of them.”

Naruto raised an eyebrow, “Your cu-organization is looking for nine people who have had demons sealed inside of them?” At that point the blonde began laughing, “Yea right! As if people like that actually exist.”

Kasumi for her part, blinked a few times before she immediately found the sky VERY interesting.

“Oh they exist alright, that is something you can be sure of. I have faced off against multiple Jinchuuriki, the people who have had demons sealed inside of them, during my life. Besides you know that the First Kage of Konohagakure had a technique which could seal away the demonic energies that a Jinchuuriki possessed?”

Naruto shook his head, “I actually didn’t know that”, was his reply, flinching at the word Konohagakure.

“Yes…he did. We already know the location of three Jinchuuriki and we'll find the other six soon enough."

“Whatever, good luck in finding those people, if they even exist!”

Kakuzu nodded, “I’m telling you this because I want YOU too keep your eyes open to. Let me know if you see any of them and try to remember where you saw them.”

At this point Kasumi started sweating.

The blonde nodded, “Yea sure. You’ll be the first person to know if I see them.”

Kakuzu nodded again as he started walking away, needing to catch up to his partner, “Oh and remember…the only reason I’m not killing you, is because no one would believe a brat like you is a the legendary Bandit King…so hurry up and grow up, will ya?”

Naruto rolled his eyes. It was a common practice that Kakuzu ALWAYS said that whenever they met up and he left. Kinda annoying… The boy waited another few moments as he saw Kakuzu disappear from his view. He then turned to Kasumi and raised an eyebrow at her strange behavior, “Kasumi?”

“I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!”

The blonde blinked a few times before he immediately shook his head and walked into the bounty station…it was way to early in the morning for this shit.

A/N: I have a few Omakes for you guys, hope you enjoy them.

Omake: Master of Naming (I really wanted to add this to the "actual" story, but I JUST couldn’t)

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING (This omake is the reason this story is labeled M...you've been warned)

“Fuck off you little shit-head I’m not in the mood to screw around with some little brat!”

Confirmation, he’s a psychotic bastard. Naruto then eyed the man’s scythe, “That’s a cool looking weapon…does it…have a name?” He really didn’t know why he asked that. He knew most of the greatest weapon masters named their weapons, so he assumed that this man wasn’t any different.

“Yea it’s called-” Hidan immediately paused to take a deep breath. “YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING MORON THAT I HAVE EVER MET, YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, YOUR MOTHER IS A FUCKING WHORE AND SHE NEVER LOVED YOU, YOUR FATHER IS A PUSSY AND A CHILD MOLESTOR, YOUR SIBLINGS ALL WANT YOU DEAD, SANTA CLAUS DOESN’T EXIST, ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING, IN THE END YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE GOING TO DIE A PAINFUL DEATH, I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SKIN, I HOPE YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BITCH OVER THEIR GET RAPED AND DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH OF BEING DEVOUR ALIVE BY FIVE HUNDRED MAGGOTS, YOU FUCKING SUCK, YOU FUCKING SUCK, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE YOU FUCKING FUCK HEAD, triple-bladed scythe.” Hidan finished as he leaned back against the wall.

Naruto blinked a few times, somewhat offended at the whole display.

“That’s actually the name of his scythe too, he wasn’t trying to be an ass.”

Naruto turned and blinked a few times at the new voice, Kakuzu. He then turned back to Hidan, “Ummm…nice name!” he said with a shrug.

Hidan just nodded, “Yea thanks, I consider myself to be a master of naming.”

Kasumi nodded a few times before chiming in, “I can see why!” Giving him a thumbs up!

Omake: The Undisputed King of Bandits!

Hidan immediately glared at Naruto though, “You probably think your hot stuff because you dodged my scythe a few times?-”

“Actually-” Naruto interrupted, “-I think I’m hot stuff because I’m the King of Bandits”, he said as he held up an item for Hidan to see…a lacy black thong.

Hidan’s eyes widened before he patted himself in his…yea…noticing the absence of a certain black material.

“I knew there was something up his ass”, chuckled Kakuzu as he walked out of the building.

“Ooooh” chimed in Kasumi, “Those are really in style right now.”

Omake: Coffee

“I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE NINE BIJU WHO WERE SEALED INTO THE BODIES OF NINE PEOPLE WHEN THEY WERE ONLY CHILDREN, SINCE ADULTS WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE SEALING PROCESS SINCE THEIR CHAKRA COILS WERE ALREADY SET IN PLACE AND IT WOULD QUICKLY KILL THEM AND RELEASE THE DEMON OUT AGAIN, SO THEY USED THE BODY OF CHILDREN, SINCE THEY THEIR CHAKRA COILS HAVN’T FULLY SET IN YET AND THEY COULD HANDLE THE INTRODUCTION OF DEMONIC CHAKRA INTO THEM!”

The blonde blinked a few times before he immediately shook his head and walked into the bounty station…Kasumi really needed to cut down on the coffee.

Preview: Fifth shot: Naruto's next job is to steal the mystical sand of the weird red-haired kid...wonder who it could be? Unfortunately, along the way he gets into a little...mix-up with a certain blonde wind-mistress...What will happen?

A/N: Now...review! or i will send Kasumi to your house, with Hidan's thong!