Narutardo

By

Perfect Psionic Soldier

It’s like choose your own adventure!

But without the choosing,

Or the adventure!

Disclaimer - Insert dramatic disclaimer -- there! (But please limit it to less then 1bit for bandwidth conservation purposes.)

Warning The following Product may cause, and not limited to – Stupidity, Laughter, Diarrhea, Some mild form of fanon cancerous growth, Get an autograph from yourself, Understand geometry, Like reading, Learn something… maybe, Gain knowledge that Canada is north of the US, Learn how to survive via Osmosis, Be distracted by something shiny, Realize that as you finish this warning list that you are in fact ‘Illiterate’

This chapter is also brought to you by the number R and the letter 7.

Prologue

Chapter ? - its that symbol that goes before 1 and but after A

Once there was a great beast that appeared in the country of fire. This great beast with its nine tails, each one with the might to topple mountains and cause tsunamis, was called the kyuubi. a supreme fox demon that was held in awe and fear.

It was an age of confusion and wonder. The people were generally clueless but strong willed. The shinobi ranks were filled with many prodigies and tales of heroics that would be forever engraved in history.

This was also a time where a mighty leader was armed with plans for the one birthday party to rule them all. To this end, the assembled the Konoha council and with their help crafted a grand plan of epic proportions.

The plan was to use a powerful demon as an awe inspiring centerpiece for the first birthday of the fourth hokage’s only son. Who despite being currently less then two weeks old was a moot point. The early bird catches the worm and what not.

As a side benefit an oversized demon would be a cool super weapon and ensure that no one messed with the shinobi of the leaf. Or at the very least, messed with and got away with it.

However the secondary objective to having a super demon at the party was to outdo the snobby kage of hidden rock. That demented leader may have thrown a supreme party for his forgettable child in the past, but that would all change very quickly. The war may have been over between leaf and rock, but rubbing things in their faces would never, ever get old.

Besides having a mooing chicken that baked burnt pie was totally yesterday and was so not bragging rights. No matter what some leader of a bunch of rock headed idiots said.

So the kyuubi, chosen by a breath taking game of plinko, was then lured to the village nestled among the leaves with the promise of candy. But, when the greatest of the yokai found out that there was no candy however… it threw a great temper tantrum and began laying waste to the village.

It seemed that the head council had made the request for large quantities of sweets a week too late. The result was that the promised delivery time was in fact scheduled around a month later then what was originally planned. These excuses did not work on the enraged fox demon.

The first major thing to fall was a bookstore that by chance was going to release the epic and final book of ‘Harry Potter and the Philosophical Encyclopedia of Stuff’ the very next day. Unfortunately the store collapsed on itself, turning on a toaster and setting everything ablaze. The store, the books, a potted plant and the writer were burnt into nothingness.

Many malls, coffee shops, 2 popsicle stands, 3 birdbaths, the only manicure salon in the village, the central rickety tower of rubber tires, 6 strawberry bushes and a partridge in a pear tree were destroyed by the initial wave of destruction created by a raging tantrum throwing kyuubi.

The citizens of Konoha grieved. They loved their harry potter and their prideful icon of rickety rubber tire tower.

In response and at the threat of their significant others, the shinobi gathered and began the long and daunting task of fending off the great beast. However, the shinobi that were there totally sucked and were getting owned by the oversized fox and thus their leader, and greatest shinobi in the village came forth.

He was numbered among the greatest of the shinobi in leaf history. He had the pizzazz, the perverted teacher, the neat long coat, and most of all he was in between a rock and a hard place.

Either he fought the kyuubi to the death or was going to get killed by his rather angry wife. The kyuubi’s attack had forced her to miss her manicure appointment due to unforeseen destruction and she let her ire be known to her man. The situation was made worse as she couldn’t even get a popsicle to sooth her tattered nerves.

Yes, the greatest man in leaf was totally whipped and only did the shinobi gig to get away from the overzealous and rather spoiled woman.

After a long daunting battle that only super powered beings could fight, the game ended up in a high powered game of ninja boggle.

Through the many hours spent in locked combat, lies and attempts at cheating, the fourth pulled through by cheating through Shiki Fūjin in order to point out the word, ‘Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch’.

The fourth had a free jail pass from the last game of one on one ninja monopoly against the death god and hence didn’t have to die. It was an amazing victory for konoha and its inhabitants as the birthday party was totally on.

What they didn’t foresee however, was the fact that the kyuubi was a complete sore loser and the fourth was instead forced to go to plan C.

Plan A was let the shinobi deal with kyuubi, it was an utter failure.

Plan B was ninja boggle which the fourth succeeded in by out cheating the demon. This was fast becoming a problem as the Kyuubi was demanding either a recount or a rematch.

Plan C was, stuff it into a cookie jar and then wrap it into lead until the time for the boy’s first birthday party, 11months and some odd weeks away, came up. This gave them ample time to tame the demon and teach it neat party tricks. Hopefully even keep it from eating guests, or at least leave the good and polite ones alone.

Unfortunately, the assembled shinobi could not find an unbroken cookie jar and instead the fourth panicked. The kyuubi wanted a rematch in ninja twister. In a fit of madness borne from newly formed fatherhood, the fourth sealed the kyuubi into the stomach of his child.

Some would say that he did it because the fourth would never ask for a sacrifice that he wouldn’t do himself, but the simple fact was revenge.

The little brat had been keeping him up for the past week with endless crying and odd end needs every few freakin hours! Was a few hours of constant sleep too much to ask!?!? Was it!??!!

Well… that and the fourth had never once won a game of twister. He was the mightiest shinobi that leaf had ever produced and he couldn’t for the love of odd end jokes play twister properly. His leg benders didn’t work that way!

Thus, the nine tails was sealed in a, fairly, newborn child. Safely tucked away until party time! There was even talk about a summoned dancing banana and the new dance track ‘Peanut Butter Jelly Time!’ that should be an instant hit with the children.

But the life of a ninja if fraught with peril and that night for celebration, the fourth’s wife had mixed up the ‘miso broth’ with the ludicrously more expensive ‘deluxe miso poison broth’ and the two passed away the very same day that the kyuubi had attacked.

Now an orphan, the child was named during the death throes of the father who was too lazy to name his child beforehand. It was also partially due to the fact that the parents thought it would be funny to not name him until his first birthday since the crying thing wouldn’t respond anyhow.

At least the assembled shinobi thought it was his name. They were assuming from the gathered fact with what the fourth’s final words in the hospital were. What they were able to get out of his fragmented words were ‘Naru’ and ‘Tard’. Hence Narutardo was born, sorta.

However, what the fourth had really said was something like ‘Damn you woman! I wanted some ramen with extra naruto you retard, not a baked turnip’ but no one would ever know that. Unless you were some kinda spooky divine being with esp powers, mind control. Heck lets just say that this entire thing was some kinda ‘fiction’ and you read it as though this entire ‘story’ was made for your reading pleasure.

Once again, Konoha grieved as its leader, figurehead and all around funny whipped guy passed away. There was much sadness and not to mention that with the demon sealed away without the password, there would by no party. No oversized fox demon jumping through oversized rings of fire. No dancing banana and worst of all… no free food and… no free food totally sucked.

The day that the fourth died was indeed a day of mourning.

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Author’s Corner

Some little notes:

I was bored and unhappy with the series, hence deciding to spruce it up a bit.

‘Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch’ is a real town. Serious, I’m not kidding.

Seriously.

Ask Lord Raa. He showed it to me. Google it.

I will updated grammerized version of this story at a later date. Maybe, potentially, sorta. ish.

Hope you enjoyed this unedited retarded prologue! Sleep unwell knowing that this could very well become a real series of sorta related chapters glued together by flimsy plot holes and terrible grammer.